Divorce is an incredibly challenging experience for both parents and children. How parents communicate and behave during a divorce can significantly affect how their children cope with the changes.
1. Common Mistakes and Cliché Phrases Parents Use During Divorce:
Some phrases parents use in an attempt to shield their children from pain can unintentionally cause harm or confusion. These phrases often include:
• “It’s not your fault.” While this is generally meant to reassure children, it can be perceived as implying that something is wrong with the family. Children might begin to wonder why they should be reassured, even if they have no reason to feel responsible.
• “We still love you, nothing will change.” While it’s true that the love for the child doesn’t change, the reality is that many other things in the child’s life will change, such as living arrangements, routine, and the family dynamic. The statement may cause confusion when the changes do occur.
• “We’ll still be a family, just in a different way.” This phrase might give a false sense of continuity when, in fact, the family structure is changing drastically. The child may not be able to reconcile the new family dynamic with the old one.
• “It’s just a phase.” Divorce isn’t a phase, it’s a permanent change in the child’s life. Dismissing the seriousness of the situation can make the child feel like their emotions are being minimised.
• “You’re going to be okay.” While well-meaning, this phrase can inadvertently minimise the child’s feelings or experiences. Children often need validation of their feelings rather than quick reassurances.
Why These Can Be Damaging:
• Dismissal of Feelings: These phrases can minimise the child’s emotions, making them feel like they shouldn’t express sadness, anger, or confusion.
• Confusion: Phrases like “nothing will change” can lead to confusion when they notice changes around them. They might not fully understand why these changes are happening.
• Unrealistic Expectations: By minimising the impact or overpromising how things will be, children may develop unrealistic expectations about their ability to cope or the situation’s long-term effects.
2. How to Prepare to Tell Your Children About the Divorce:
• Plan Together: Both parents should plan the conversation together ideally, ensuring they’re unified in their approach. This helps reduce mixed messages.
• Consider the Child’s Age: Tailor your explanation based on the child’s age and developmental stage. Younger children may need simpler explanations, while older children can handle more detailed conversations.
• Choose the Right Time and Setting: Pick a calm and private moment where the child feels safe and comfortable. Avoid having the conversation in the middle of a chaotic situation.
• Keep It Simple and Honest: Be honest without oversharing too many adult details. Children don’t need to know everything but should be told in a way that they understand the change and their place in it.
3. Should You Be Honest About the Reasons for Divorce?
Yes, honesty is important, but it should be age-appropriate. It’s crucial to avoid blaming one parent or the other, as this can lead to feelings of guilt, anger, or loyalty conflicts for the child. A balanced explanation, such as, “Sometimes adults can’t live together anymore because they have different needs or wants,” is better than oversharing personal conflicts or negative details about the other parent.
4. How to Be There for Your Children After Telling Them About the Divorce:
• Listen Actively: After breaking the news, be sure to listen to your child’s feelings, concerns, and questions. Don’t interrupt them or downplay their emotions.
• Reassure Consistently: Reassure your child that both parents still love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce. Maintain consistent routines to help provide stability.
• Be Patient with Emotions: Allow your child time to process the information. Some children might react immediately, while others may need some time to understand what’s happening. Expect a range of emotional responses—anger, sadness, confusion, or even a desire to avoid the subject.
• Encourage Open Communication: Let your child know it’s okay to ask questions and express feelings. Keep the lines of communication open, so they feel safe coming to you with their thoughts.
5. Red Flags and Concerning Signs that Children May Be Struggling with the Divorce:
Children process divorce differently, and some might not express their feelings directly. However, certain signs may indicate they’re struggling:
• Behavioral Changes: A sudden increase in acting out, tantrums, or withdrawal can signal stress or emotional confusion.
• Declining School Performance: A noticeable drop in grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or trouble concentrating could be a sign of emotional turmoil.
• Sleep Issues: Difficulty sleeping, nightmares, or frequent night waking can reflect anxiety or emotional unrest.
• Withdrawal from Social Activities: If the child becomes more withdrawn or stops participating in activities they once enjoyed, it could indicate they’re struggling with the emotional fallout of the divorce.
• Regressive Behaviors: Younger children might start showing behaviors typical of a younger age, like bedwetting or thumb-sucking, due to anxiety or a need for comfort.
• Excessive Worrying: If your child begins to worry excessively about their future, the parents’ well-being, or the stability of their environment, they may be feeling insecure.
• Blaming Themselves: If the child seems to think the divorce is their fault, they may need reassurance and clarification that it is not.
• Physical Symptoms: Frequent headaches, stomachaches, or other unexplained illnesses can sometimes manifest when a child is stressed or anxious about the divorce.
In summary, divorce is difficult for children, but with careful communication, honesty, and emotional support, they can adapt and learn to cope in healthy ways.